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We Must Manage Against the Fall
25 February 2008
Teach your men about the Fall. The Bible doesn’t describe a utopian world free of pain. That would make Christianity a wishful farce. Instead, the Bible describes the world exactly as we see it—a Fallen world, but not without what Frances Schaeffer called "leftover beauty." The Bible describes a world groaning in pain that needs a Redeemer, Sanctifier, and Sustainer.
The Fall explains why we must look at the blazing beauty of a crimson sunrise through thick glasses that grace the bridge of a crooked, runny nose. Pascal said, in effect, that the Fall is an offense to human reason but, once accepted, it makes perfect sense of the human condition. (i)
We must do our work while feeling the prick of thorns. To Adam God said, "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you" (excerpt from Genesis 3:17-19).
We must manage our lives against the Fall. The Fall is why we have the saying, "Perception is reality." To manage against the Fall means we work hard to "portray" what we really mean. People form "impressions" from tone of voice, eye movement, body language, and more. Because they, too, are managing against the Fall, they are watching you closely to see if they "think" you are lying. The Fall explains why we have to choose our words carefully, and why some things are better left unsaid. There are certain things I cannot say to you in public, and some things I cannot say at all.
Nowhere is managing against the Fall more apparent than in purchasing a used car or something on eBay. Consider keys and locks. I have to manage against the Fall in you, and the Fall in myself. And you must do the same. The Fall forces us to:
- Anxiously try to make a sale without appearing anxious.
- Raise desperately needs funds while acting like we don’t need the money.
- Convince the lender we don’t really need the loan.
- Get a girl’s attention while appearing to be disinterested.
- Have "special" meetings before the meeting, then phone calls after the meeting.
- Not pick enthusiastically up your ten month old grandbaby that you are seeing for the first time before the child adjusts to you.
- Promote this book while appearing to not be promoting this book.
Teach men that because of the Fall they need to be gentle with their wives. In pronouncing the effect of the Fall on women the Bible says, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16). This word "desire" should be understood as a desire that borders on disease.(ii) It is a desire subject to corruption (e.g., possessiveness, jealousy) and manipulation (e.g., controlling).
Show men these truths, then challenge your men to walk with integrity as fallen men among fallen men.
Yours for changed lives,
Patrick Morley, Ph.D.
Man in the Mirror
LifeBuilders Men at No Man Left Behind
20 February 2008
The recent "No Man Left Behind" conference put on by Man in the Mirror is the premier training event for men’s ministries leaders, including pastors and denominational leaders as well. At the recent session in Orlando (Man in the Mirror’s headquarters,) eighteen Church of God men’s ministry leaders gathered not only to be trained and challenged to excellence, but also to challenge Man in the Mirror as well.
Fred Ledbetter (left, from Alaska) and Chris Walters (North Carolina) make careful note of the training.
Leonard Albert (left,) Executive Director, confers with Brett Clemmer, Man in the Mirror’s Vice President.
Rodney Rudder (centre, just under and to the right of the "Exit" sign,) Chris Lindo (both from the United Kingdom) and Sidney Jarret from the Central Church of God, Orlando, FL, pointed out by one of their Assemblies of God bretheren from upstate New York.
Pastor Tom Stimpson (far right) of the Solid Rock Church of God, New Windsor, New York, has lunch with his delegation, including (facing, from left to right) Leslie Nathaniel, Don Stedge and former NYPD officer Frank Alonso.
International Lay Ministries Board member Noel Gordon (right, Central Church of God, Orlando, FL) with fellow church members David Nelson (facing) and Sidney Jarret (back.)
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At the go cart track, Friday night. The men of the Church of God took this on with the same competitive spirit as they do their men’s ministries.
The entire Church of God delegation to No Man Left Behind. In the centre in the grey shirt is the other Church of God pastor to attend, Pastor Alan Imes of the New Beginnings Church of God in Waterville, Maine.
The entire 42nd class of No Man Left Behind. At the end of the conference, it is Man in the Mirror’s custom to pray over the pastors, which we did in concert prayer, quite and event for a multi-denominational meeting.
We are already organising for the October session of No Man Left Behind in Orlando. If you are interested in attending, you can click here to view the video and contact us for further information.
How Are Men Doing?
19 February 2008
Demographically, men are quite different. They are black, white, Hispanic, rich, poor, rural, suburban, urban, white collar, blue collar, conservative, liberal. For every man who sits on a Board, another lays on a jail bunk. Some like to ponder over chess, others prefer screaming at touchdowns.
Yet whether I am speaking with men from Alabama or Alaska, at the Pentagon or in prison, executives in New York City or Mennonite farmers in Pennsylvania, cowboys in Texas or Chinese businessmen in Malaysia, I have found that our similarities dwarf our differences.
You’ve heard the numbing statistics about men and the havoc they have created. Instead of recounting those stats, I want to give you a psychographic profile of men of how men are doing. How are men doing, really?
Tired
First, men are tired. If there is one thing you can know for sure about your men, it’s that they’re tired. You know the words that get tossed around: stressed, slammed, weary, in need of relief, wasted, fragile, short-fused. They are all synonyms that add up to "tired."
The average Christian male is up to his gold cross in debts and duties. He has a "picture" in his mind of what it means to be a "good Christian." He believes in this picture—it’s what he thinks he "needs" to do to be a "good boy"—to be happy.
- I need to spend quality time with my wife.
- I need to be a super dad to my kids and attend (maybe coach) all their activities. My dad did (or didn’t) do this for me, and I’m going to be there for them.
- I need to make lots of money so my family can live in a beautiful home in a "better" neighborhood, my kids can wear the right labels, there is less pressure on my wife to work, and I can become financially independent.
- I need to join a men’s small group where I can grow with some brothers.
- I need to attend a weekly home growth and fellowship group.
- I need to have a daily quiet time for fellowship with God.
- I need to keep the Sabbath and have my family in church to worship God.
- I need to serve God through a personal ministry–probably through the church.
- I need to be a good citizen and neighbor.
- I need to be a star at work if all this is going to happen.
- I need a successful and satisfying career.
- I need some time for myself.
No wonder men wince when you ask them to do something. No wonder men plop down in front of the television to vegetate instead of read a book or converse with their wives. We have created a culture which requires more energy than men have to give. Sometimes we call this the rat race.
A Lingering Feeling
Second, men often have a lingering feeling that something isn’t quite right about their lives. This is the inevitable result of running the rat race. A woman told me she was having difficulty figuring out how to offer support to her husband. He loves his work. Occasionally, for stretches of months at a time, he will work 12 hour days. Then suddenly his mood will swing, and he will mope around for months.
"What is it that you want?" she asks him. He cannot articulate an answer.
She said, "I can chart these cycles on paper. They’re completely predictable. I just don’t know what to do for him anymore. He is extremely successful. He has the job he always wanted. We have a beautiful home and two lovely children. What’s his problem?"
It does beg the question: How can a man get exactly what he wants and still not be happy?
Life Is Not Turning Out As Planned
Third, men’s lives are not turning out like they planned. Each week, on average, four to eight new men visit the Man in the Mirror Bible Study I teach in Orlando. Our average visitor is typically friendless, over-extended in most areas, has at least seen his Bathsheba, is up to his eardrums in debt, lacks meaning and purpose, feels under a lot of pressure, and is generally miserable.
All of this is carefully masked behind a game face because the man knows that if the sharks smell blood it’s over.
Many of these men have made a profession of faith in Christ, but they have not been trained (discipled) to integrate their faith into their daily lives. As a result, they get caught up in the rat race–the conflict between who they are created to be and who they are tempted to be. When they lead unexamined lives, men tend to be Christian in spirit, but secular in practice.
Unglued
Fourth, a lot of men feel like their lives are coming unglued. The problem is not that men are failing to meet their goals. In most cases they are. The problem, it turns out—they’re the wrong goals. A man in his 30s said, "When I got out of school I made out a list of everything I thought I would need to be happy. Fifteen years later I have everything on my list. Now I realize…it’s the wrong list." How does a man give his best years to a system that never had any possibility of satisfying the hunger of his soul?
Nobody Cares
Fifth, most men feel like nobody, with the possible exception of family, really cares about them personally. A pastor invited one of his businessmen—a prominent one—to lunch one day. The man took the pastor to his private club. After 45 minutes of eating and exchanging social pleasantries, they finished their meal. The man set down his napkin and said, "So tell me. What’s on your mind? What can I do for you today?"
The pastor said, "Nothing, really. I just wanted to spend some time with you and get to know you better as a person."
"Well, there must be something I can do for you."
"No, not really."
"Are you sure? How are our finances?"
"No, really…I just wanted to get to know you better—man to man."
Two or three more similar exchanges took place.
The man sat there incredulous. Belief slowly crept across his face, and tears welled up in the man’s eyes. He struggled to maintain control of himself. A minute went by. The man regained his composure and said, "In my entire career, no one has ever asked me to lunch unless they wanted something from me."
Conclusion
No man fails on purpose, but most men are under a lot of pressure. When a man fails it sets powerful forces of bondage and brokenness in motion. It can take several generations to break the cycle. As America staggers beneath the load of a 100 major problems like divorce, fatherlessness, poverty, pornography, adultery, abortion, disrespect for authority, ethical failures, and truancy–where have the men gone? What has happened to our men? At the root of virtually every problem is the failure of a man, ironically a man who got up this morning wishing that his life would make a difference. A man for whom Christ died.
Patrick Morley is the Founder and CEO of Man in the Mirror.
© 2008. Patrick Morley. All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced
for non-commercial ministry purposes with proper attribution.
Don’t Blow Up Your Ministry by Solving the Wrong Problem
19 February 2008
The Man in the Mirror Bible Study has been meeting weekly since 1986. Groups of six to ten men sit around 25 tables and discuss the messages under the supervision of a Table Leader. We also have monthly Table Leader Meetings at my home office.
With the busy "ten talent" men we have as leaders, I always considered two-thirds attendance at Table Leader Meetings to be great. At about the 15 year mark, though, Table Leader attendance at the meetings dropped from about two-thirds (or more) to about one-half (or less). I didn’t know what to make of it—or whether to take it personally. On one hand, the Bible study was cooking right along, so why upset the apple cart? On the other hand, it says right in the job descriptions they sign that they will attend!
It is easy to look at the data and come to the wrong conclusion. It’s easy to go off half cocked and solve the wrong problem. I knew that the devil would like nothing better than for me to "blow up" our very successful Friday morning Bible study over the Table Leader Meeting attendance issue.
I knew I needed to wait on the Lord to clarify the problem, but now several years had gone by. Finally the issue did clarify—today as a matter of fact. I could find no correlation between Leader Meeting attendance and success at leading a table on Friday mornings. Quite the contrary, the men who don’t attend leader meetings all have awesome tables on Friday morning. So they don’t really need to be at the leader meetings from that stand point. At the same time, leaders who are not "plugged in" are ripe to get picked off.
Here’s the solution: Together, the Table Leaders and I decided this morning that the Man in the Mirror Bible Study and the Table Leader Meetings are "two separate ministries" (versus "one ministry with two parts"). We decided a Table Leader doesn’t have to attend the monthly leader meetings provided he is part of some other group that provides a measure of accountability. But I love the monthly meetings—it’s my "table"—so anyone who wants me to be their "Table Leader" can come to the monthly meetings.
And, best of all, God gave us the wisdom to not blow up a perfectly good ministry over an issue easily, if not quickly, solved in a different way.
Yours for changed lives,
Patrick Morley, Ph.D.
Man in the Mirror
Updated LifeBuilders Logo
14 February 2008
We’ve updated the LifeBuilders logo some. It has a new color scheme, after thirteen years with the original green and purple setup.
Click on the logo above to download a high-res version for your printed materials and banners. This can be used royalty-free by any chartered LifeBuilders chapter in any local Church of God, or any state, regional, national or international office of the Church of God.
“Pursued,” Not Just “Followed,” by His Goodness and Unfailing Love
12 February 2008
We all have found the words of the 23rd Psalm comforting.
However, last week when doing my One Year Bible in the New Living Translation I saw something new. Psalm 23:6 says, "Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever."
Now, I remember reading that His goodness and unfailing love will "follow" me, but the NLT says, "pursue." I about fell out of my chair! So I did the word study and, sure enough, the Hebrew word translates "follow, pursue" and even "chase" or "run after."
I had always thought of His goodness and chesed keeping watch over me from the shadows like a covert secret agent. Instead, this exquisite goodness and extreme kindness are actively pursuing, even chasing, me down! You too!
In one week’s time my attitude has completely transformed. I find myself being overtaken constantly in big and little ways. How I thank God for this small but precious insight into His holy Word.
Yours for changed lives,
Patrick Morley, Ph.D.
Man in the Mirror
Excellence for the Rest of Us
6 February 2008
Excellence for the Rest of Us: Laity Alive in the Church and Marketplace is a book about how the laity can truly be empowered and released for ministry. Think of the energy, vitality and satisfaction that result when the members of the body of Christ get busy and really make an impact in their church and community. Leonard Albert lays out a detailed organizational plan in nine easy steps involving evaluation, recruitment, spiritual gifting, small groups and teams and suggested teaching and training classes. Scores of “inreach” (church) and “outreach” (community) projects are listed with details on implementation.
In this book, Leonard draws from his many years of experience in working with thousands of churches and business and community leaders in the area of equipping and mobilizing the laity to take church to the marketplace. He offers a fresh approach for reaching a contemporary society. Excellence for the Rest of Us is a workable and proven plan to help all believers become ministers of the Gospel where they live and work.
Mother Wound
4 February 2008
Not many of us want to talk badly about our mothers–I know I feel guilt even writing this first sentence. However, when my mother passed away I confess that I did not feel anything. That was odd, so I went to Christian counseling.
My counselor concluded that I was not a product of good parenting (she said I was a "miracle," though my wife may disagree!). Essentially, I was not mothered. There was a lack of touch, verbal affection, and time, which indicate a betrayal—even if not intended.
I was a little boy with a hole. Something was missing. I didn’t feel precious and deeply cared for. My counselor said, "A little boy cannot handle the thought, ‘My mother does not delight in me. I am not loved.’ So when my parents didn’t go to my baseball games, the little boy in me substituted, ‘I really don’t want them at my games.’"
Apparently I decided, "If they don’t need me, then I don’t need them either." My counselor thinks I pushed my parents away because I couldn’t handle the thought that they really didn’t want me (real or imagined). I know I wanted to be wanted. I wanted them at my games. I wanted them to rescue me from my downward slide.
What makes my relationship with my mother so confusing is that she was such a wonderful human being. Of course, today I realize that neither my mother nor my father were ever discipled or otherwise trained to parent me. They did the best they could.
Frankly, I never grieved what could have been until she was gone–I didn’t know what had me in bondage. I was in full-fledged denial because who wants to admit, "I don’t feel like my Mama cares."
The effect of the mother wound, in my case, has been over-sensitivity. Early in my life I made a vow: "If you’re not going to give me what I need, then I’m done with you." So today, I am loyal to a fault. But once I feel betrayal, reminded of my wound, I tend to close off my spirit towards that person and write them off. Since counseling and by God’s grace, this has virtually gone away.
Many of your men (maybe you too) have unsatisfied longing that keeps them in bondage, keeps them taking abuse, keeps them feeling betrayed, and keeps them from coming to rest.
My counselor said that an abandoned child will either become self-sufficient or feel something is wrong with them. I used to think it was my fault. Now I realize it wasn’t, but it’s up to me (and each of your men) whether to be a victim or a victor. By God’s grace, I chose victor and so can your men.
Yours for changed lives,
Patrick Morley, Ph.D.
Man in the Mirror
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